balance

This is going to be a very honest, personal post.
I grew up in church, seriously-grew up IN the church. I was there Sunday morning before Sunday school to help serve refreshments, stayed till well after service was over visiting (why do we call it "visiting" if it's church and "hanging out" or "talking" if it's anywhere else?) came back for night service. My dad taught Tuesday night men's bible study, my mom and I helped cook and serve the meals, again mom cooked and I served Wednesday night dinner before church and then we had service. Not mention throwing in youth choir, drama, AWANAS, and working in the nursery. I felt like if I wasn't at school I was suppose to be at church. LOL! I really didn't mind.

You would think with all that "church" I would want the same thing for my son, and don't get me wrong I kind of do, however as many of you can attest to when you are THAT involved in the church you see a side of it many never do. You see the people who are leading the church make mistakes (of course), you see pride, anger, resentment, and all of the things we all struggle with. It shakes your faith to see those who lead the church sometimes be the most resistant to changing their heart.

I left the church after college. I found a good church in Fort Worth that both Ryan and I liked, but we never got too involved. When we moved back to Houston it took us a while to find a church where we felt we fit. We did for a while have a "church home", but again I felt I needed to get very involved, but with teaching, Mary Kay, and some things my family was going to I had to step down.

We are still looking for a place we fit. A place with BALANCE. Let me be very clear, I tend to have a potty-mouth, my husband and I do drink (not to excess, but we do) I listen to secular music, I like to go dancing with my husband on the weekends (not while pregnant-lol!). Besides the language I don't think any of these things are "bad". I want DESPERATELY want to find a church for Eli to grow up in, but I don't want to be fake. I want to find a place where I can be me- 100%. I HATE feeling like one person at church and one person at home. I know my bible very well. My parents we determined I would know why I believed what I believe. I can discuss biblical theology with the best of them. But I also know which drink goes best with what dinner. Does that make me a bad person?

I want to find a church that has a place for people like us. I have no intention of changing certain things about me-unless I fell compelled by my own personal relationship with God-not because the church says I should or should not do certain things. I have a feeling most of our generation is looking for the same thing. Is that wrong? Thoughts? Opinions?

33 weeks

7 weeks to go!!!!!!!!!
OMGosh! I am getting so excited/nervous/scared outta my mind to meet this little boy! He is definitely moving around a lot still and keeping me on my toes.
Yesterday was parent-teacher conferences and they went really well. I was super exhausted afterward! About 1/2 way through the day I took off my work shoes and put on flip flops due to swelling. When I got home (around 7:45 last night) I took my flip flops off and saw some bruising from where the straps and been cutting into my feet and I didn't even know it! Needless to say I am wearing tennis shoes today and am on a mission to find some pregnancy-approved shoes this weekend.
Also yesterday one of our teachers laid her husband to rest. It was so touching to hear their daughter talk about their life and what her dad was like. He had retired from the Army and teacher (ROTC and a band director in HISD). When the honor guard presented his widow with the flag I couldn't help but imagine my mom being there and being presented with my father's flag, or myself being presented with Ryan's. I got very emotional (and Eli tried to comfort mommy by kicking till his heart's delight). The teacher who lost her husband stood so stoically and strong. She looked beautiful. I am in awe of her strength, not just yesterday but the strength she displays daily at our school. Continuing to pray for her and her family. Today I can't help but be thankful for all that I have.

Family

I LOVE my family. One of the things I love most about my family is that we are always expanding. Seriously. And it's not just because the baby boom of 2011 (as I call it). We are constantly taking in friends and making them like family.

Growing up whenever any of my sister's friends were going through a hard time at home they moved in with us. Some stayed only a few days, some stayed almost a year. It was a great example to me that someone doesn't have to be BLOOD to be family. It also served as a lesson to me that not everyone has parents (or anybody for that matter) at home who cares about them. Not everyone was as lucky as us, to have a family that while FAR from perfect would NEVER, EVER do intentional harm.

After my sister moved out our family started to grow by marriage. For example whenever my brother got married not only did his wife Crystal and her son become family so did Crystal's family. We celebrate birthdays, holidays, and special occasions with them. Same for all of my brother-in-laws and their families. It has even got to the point where my mom's brother-in-law (from her first marriage... my mom was widowed very young) comes down every year for Christmas.

This is the kind of example I want to set for my son. I want have the type of home where his friends always feel welcome. I want to offer a safe haven for people who do not have any other place to go. I want all of our friends and extended family to always feel welcome and accepted by us. I am incredibly thankful to my parents for setting this example for me.

31 weeks

9 to go! It seems unreal that baby Eli will be here so soon! We are definitely getting excited about his entrance, however I am slightly apprehensive because my sister went into labor at 31 weeks exactly so I know what an uphill battle preemie's have. I am so excited to meet my little man, but I would much rather wait till he is full term and ready to go! We painted the babies room this weekend and got most of the furniture set up! It will probably need another coat of paint to cover up some...er...mistakes, but I guess that's the way painting goes!
I have had some horrible back pain lately, and still having some cramping but only like 2-3 times a day and hours apart. I keep hearing that that's all normal and just my body gearing up for the fun adventure of birth! I kinda want to smack those people in the face, I do not think this whole "adventure" sounds fun! :)

Freedom

Yesterday I drove to Crockett to be with an old friend from college as she buried her mom, she is scheduled to deliver her baby girl into this world on Monday. It hit home HARD to imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes, how I would feel.
To truly understand how I felt you have to know the history between this group of girls and myself. We were very close for about 2 years then we went through a rough patch. I felt they weren't there for me when I was going through a very difficult time in my life and they felt I was pulling away from them and hanging out with a different group of people instead of them. We had a falling out, and as it can get when you are young girls, it got ugly. I made up with these girls at different times, one was shortly after it happened, the second was a little longer and the last never got back to the place where it was. However, yesterday when one person was in trouble all of these things didn't matter, we pulled together.

I entitled this post freedom, because I realized how much freedom I have in my life. We found out that the mom who passed away was about to buy the stroller, crib and pack and play for her daughter and due to her passing my friend didn't have these things for her daughter. We were able to pull together enough money to buy them a pack and play and a nice stroller. I am so grateful that we were able to do that. Ryan and I may not make that much money, and of course we would like to make a little more, but we have always been able to help when we see a friend in need and that is financial freedom if you ask me. I consider myself very blessed in that way.

I also realized yesterday how much I have changed from the girl I was in college. I carried around so many insecurities, scares, and pain. I was dealing with the death of Heather, a very dysfunctional relationship, and the normal "trying to find myself" stuff. Since then I have "found" myself, I have overcame the scares that Heather's death left and have forgiven myself and the boy I dated for the pain we put each other through for 3 1/2 long years. This was not an overnight process, it took a great deal of time, prayer, and a great therapist. I am not ashamed to admit that after everything started to fall apart I sought help from a professional. He helped me work through the anger I felt at Heather for dying and abandoning me, the pain of a relationship gone wrong, and the issues I had (like we all do) for things in my childhood.

I couldn't help but reflect as I drove home yesterday on my life now, I would have never imagined being married to a man like Ryan, having a relationship where we both respect each other. I would have never imagined owning my own home, having a career and preparing to give birth to a baby boy. I was trapped by the lies and doubt, but now I do have freedom, and for that I thank God (and an amazing therapist named David- lol),

Baby Blake

WOW! I am a terrible blogger, maybe once baby D gets here I will have more motivation to blog his process. I am now an auntie again!!! I am so excited!!!!!!! Baby Paul "Blake" P was born last Sunday 11/13/11 around 7:50 pm. My sister Darci was 31 weeks pregnant to the day and he decided it was time for him to make his grand entrance! He was already 4 lbs 9 oz and 17 inches long! He was immediately placed in an incubator with an oxygen tube down his throat, monitors and a central line in his belly button. After a week he is already off his oxygen and his central line has been removed. We are so proud!!! Yesterday he had 7 cc's of breast milk!! He is progressing sooo phenomenally. My sister is the strongest person I have ever met and I am in awe of how she and her husband are handling this.

He likes to move it move it!

OMGoodness! I have been feeling lil man move so much! It is such an amazing feeling, I am still having a hard time believing that there is really a lil baby in there and that he is mine, well ours.

I am feeling very confident in our ability to be parents, but I would be a liar if I did not admit how scarey it is. The world is frightening place out there and the thought of bringing an innocent baby into it is well... terrifying.

However, I must remind myself that behind the darkness God is in control and He holds this baby's future in His hands so I don't need to worry.