knowing your limits

This is a hard post for me to write. At Eli's 4 month dr appt his pediatrician recommended I started phasing dairy back into my diet. I had eliminated it because E has a sensitivity to the milk proteins found in dairy. About 2 weeks after I cut it out his colic got much better. Don't get me wrong he would still have "colic time" nightly but instead of it being 4-6 hours of intense screaming it would be more like 2-3 hours of fussing. By 3 1/2 months almost all colic was gone.

Well... about 4 days after reincorporating SMALL (and I mean SMALL) amounts of dairy into my diet the screaming fits started back. They occur mostly in the evening and because Ry has been working overtime it's just me here to try and comfort little man. We have done a little of the "cry it out" when it comes to learning to stop fighting sleep at nap time. But this is a different cry, it is a gut wrenching scream that breaks your heart. And the worse part is I know he is hurting because of something I have done. I know I had to try a little dairy to see if he was still sensitive to it, but I HATE that I caused him pain.

Wednesday he fussed pretty much all the entire evening from 4-8. He didn't want to play, nap, be held, be put down, ect. Everything made him mad. He would be content in like 10 minute burst but after that is was Mr. Fussypants.

Thursday I was pumping at 9am and Ryan had to leave for work, well about 10 minutes after Ryan left E let out this horrible scream! He screamed for 30 minutes straight. He would turn blue because he was screaming and not breathing. I used all my regular tricks- burp the baby, make sure diaper is dry, teething tablets, gas medicine, check shot sites to make sure nothing crazy going on there (it's been almost a week, but hey you never know), even getting him naked (which almost ALWAYS works) and nothing! He was still screaming. Well after 30 minutes I loaded him up and was taking him to Nana's- part of me wanted to take him to the ER but I figured I would see if Nana and Pappy could figure it out. Well OF COURSE as soon as we walk into the door he immediately turns on the charm and acts like momma is crazy! My mom had heard his screaming on the phone so she knew I wasn't completely crazy. They looked him over, and after about 15 minutes there he broke down again. All anyone could figure was must be the dairy. He got better as the day went on and ended up having a pretty good day.

I write all this to say that I NEEDED help. After a couple days of a LOT of fussing when he started screaming for 30 minutes I was at my wits-end. I realized I was having a hard time and I went somewhere safe for both E and I. I felt like a horrible mother. I mean for crying out loud these little 17 year olds are having babies and they handle it, why is it so hard for me? I felt guilty about having E so "young". Both my brother and sister waited until after they were 30 to have kids, maybe I should have too. All these thoughts were running through my head.

I got E to nap and then went to my house to shower and get dressed for an appt I had later that day. While I was at home, in the quiet, I could think a little better and I realized that every mom is different, just as every baby is different. I have a VERY "spirited" baby and so sometimes I need a little break to ensure that I am being the best mom I can be. This doesn't make me a "bad" mom, it makes me a mom who knows her limits. I might not be the "best" mom, but I am the best mom I can be.

I think we often compare ourselves to others-at least I do- and that is where we mess up. No one else has your life, your baby, your husband, your circumstances, so no one else can say what they would or wouldn't do in your shoes. It is hard for me not to compare myself, but I know I must break that habit if I ever want to be truly happy.

mommy guilt

I have always struggled with guilt. I never wanted to disappoint my family, teachers, anyone. I might have argued with my parents but the minute I got that "Casey, you really disappointed me" I was done. I do not do well with guilt. So it should be no surprise that I am really struggling with "mommy guilt".

I feel guilty about working, then when I am home on the weekends sometimes I feel guilty for wanted "mommy time". I feel guilty for giving up on breastfeeding so quickly, I feel guilty for letting him cry sometimes so mommy can wash bottles or pump. Mostly I feel guilty about things pertaining to Eli but I also feel guilty for the house being dirty, the amount of dog hair on my couch cushions, the fact that poor Dixie hasn't been played with when I get home, I feel bad when Ryan has to start cleaning, cooking, or take a fussy baby as soon as he gets home. As you can see I feel guilty most of the time.

Having a baby with colic makes life difficult sometimes. Eli is fussy (not screaming his head off anymore, thank God) from about 4:30ish till he goes to sleep around 7:30-8:15. So when I pick him up from my Mom's and get him home he is NOT being put down. I only get him from 5-bedtime every weekday and so I don't want to put him down to vacuum or cook. I want to cuddle my baby, but I HAVE to pump, clean the bottles, and make sure he has swaddles clean for bed. So while I am doing that sometimes he screams his head off, sometimes he sits in the bouncy seat and "talks". I feel guilty either way.

I had been feeling this way for several weeks but hadn't told anyone. I thought this was something I must be alone in. All my new mommy friends seemed so HAPPY. Don't get me wrong I love Eli more than anything in the world and I couldn't imagine anything better than cuddling him, talking to him, and just plain staring at him; BUT sometimes I am so overwhelmed with life that I feel just plain bad. It's not postpartum depression, I have talked to my OB about it, it's just plain "mommy guilt". Once I started talking to other moms several felt the same way I did.

Now I am not "over" this mommy guilt, but I am learning to deal with it. I am learning to except that my house is not going to be as clean and organized as I would like it, dinner will not be served at a certain time every night and it might not be served at all some nights, but oh well! I am learning to spend the time I with Eli WITH ELI. Not worrying about other things but just plain being with him. It's a journey, but we are getting there.

Colic

So we discovered why Eli was so fussy. He has colic...and reflux. Poor guy got a double dose! I have read about colic and our godson had colic so while I was pregnant I thought "well if he has colic I'll have clue what I'm in for" WRONG! Colic is a horrible horrible thing. It is dang near impossible to watch your baby cry for hours and hours on end and there is nothing you can do to make it better. On the up side it is always over by 10:30. But on some days it last 5 hours, and couple that with normal baby fussiness during the day and that can be stressful.

I think the best advice was giving to me by another mom on the March board of the Bump. She told me that if they are crying in your arms and you have done everything you know how to; if they are clean, feed, and otherwise "good" they can cry the same in the crib, bassinet, bouncer, swing, whatever as they can in your arms. Put the baby down. Another mommy friend of mine added go get a drink of water, take a quick shower, do something to calm your nerves for 5 minutes. It'll be better for you and better for baby. Truer words have never been spoken.

Now some things help during "colic time". The 5 S's from Happiest Baby on the Block normally can calm him down. The only thing is with a colic baby they will be calm for a little while (15 minutes if we're lucky) and then BAM! More crying. Sometimes gripe water or colic tablets work. Sometimes it's the vacuum, or walking, or the Moby. There are lots of things that will sometimes work for a few minutes, but nothing works for long enough to make him sleep for longer than 15 minutes.

It is getting a little better most days. He normally is down before 9:30 so that helps!

Don't get me wrong, I have found more joy in being a mommy than anything else I've ever done in my life. I love love love seeing his smiles, watching him discover the world around him and of course cuddle time!! I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. And thankfully this is our first child. This is all we know. We don't know what it would be like to have a baby who DIDN'T cry for hours almost every evening.

We are so thankful for Eli and love him so much; however, I wish more mommies had talked to me about how hard the first couple months could be so I am talking about it. I don't think it does anyone any good to sugarcoat the tough stuff. But like I said earlier... mommy-hood, while tough, is the best thing that has ever happened to me.