Eli vs the sippy cup

So on Saturday we decided to take the bottle away. Eli has been drinking water out of a sippy cup since he was 6 months old and transitioned to cow's milk beautifully. He did great the first day, yesterday was a little worse, and today he is acting like he has no clue what to do with the straw cup-- he keeps blowing into it. He is determined. He was playing yesterday and Ryan said "bottle" in a sentence and he threw down his toy and RAN to Ryan crying "bot bot, bot bot!" Poor baby's heart was broken when he realized daddy meant sippy cup. Momma's staying strong, but so is Eli. We might have a battle of wills going on for a while.

Back to the Grind

Allow me to start of this post with a ROLL TIDE! BCS Championship Game Day is here! I truly hope Bama wins, because my husband will be inconsolable if they do not.

Ok, on to other topics. Today was back to work after 2 weeks off. Ugh. I planned last night and packed my lunch, laid out clothes for work, laid out work out clothes, set my alarm for 4:30 (DOUBLE UGH) and then checked the weather- 39 degrees projected for 5 am. Ummmm NO! I don't do cold! So we changed the plan to still get up at 4:30 but do a quick yoga video, have some quiet time and then start a peaceful morning. Wellllllllllllllll my alarm didn't want me to go back to work either because it didn't go off and I woke up at 5:50. Luckly I had most prep work done so no yoga, no quiet time, just get dressed and out the door at the last possible second. Oh well. I left work around 3:30 and came home, changed and was about to head out the door to run and was struck with gut wrenching anxiety.

I have never been a woman prone to worry, but having a child changes things. After I gave birth I had pretty bad postpartum depression. I talked to my dr about it, he suggested waiting a while before we did medication. Then my anxiety kicked in. I have had anxiety since then; about the silliest things.With the help of my family, friends and very mild medication I was able to overcome my postpartum depression and I am learning to cope with my anxiety. So today when my anxiety hit I sat down and thought why am I so nervous? What is it I am afraid of? Immediately I realized I was scared I couldn't do it. I knew the run I had planned was easy and within my physical capabilities, but what I was afraid of was failure of spirit. It is hard to keep going when your legs are tired. It is hard for me to run alone and alone I was. I looked down on the floor and there was my cell phone and a picture of E staring up at me. I knew I could do it; I was still scared, but I laced up my running shoes and walked out the door.

And guess what I did it. It was challenging, but what in life worth having isn't?

Today I realized that I can choose to pass down fear of failure to my son, or I can choose to show him that even when things are hard, you do it. When things are scary, you do it. When you plain JUST DON'T WANT TO, you do it anyway.

mommy guilt

I have always struggled with guilt. I never wanted to disappoint my family, teachers, anyone. I might have argued with my parents but the minute I got that "Casey, you really disappointed me" I was done. I do not do well with guilt. So it should be no surprise that I am really struggling with "mommy guilt".

I feel guilty about working, then when I am home on the weekends sometimes I feel guilty for wanted "mommy time". I feel guilty for giving up on breastfeeding so quickly, I feel guilty for letting him cry sometimes so mommy can wash bottles or pump. Mostly I feel guilty about things pertaining to Eli but I also feel guilty for the house being dirty, the amount of dog hair on my couch cushions, the fact that poor Dixie hasn't been played with when I get home, I feel bad when Ryan has to start cleaning, cooking, or take a fussy baby as soon as he gets home. As you can see I feel guilty most of the time.

Having a baby with colic makes life difficult sometimes. Eli is fussy (not screaming his head off anymore, thank God) from about 4:30ish till he goes to sleep around 7:30-8:15. So when I pick him up from my Mom's and get him home he is NOT being put down. I only get him from 5-bedtime every weekday and so I don't want to put him down to vacuum or cook. I want to cuddle my baby, but I HAVE to pump, clean the bottles, and make sure he has swaddles clean for bed. So while I am doing that sometimes he screams his head off, sometimes he sits in the bouncy seat and "talks". I feel guilty either way.

I had been feeling this way for several weeks but hadn't told anyone. I thought this was something I must be alone in. All my new mommy friends seemed so HAPPY. Don't get me wrong I love Eli more than anything in the world and I couldn't imagine anything better than cuddling him, talking to him, and just plain staring at him; BUT sometimes I am so overwhelmed with life that I feel just plain bad. It's not postpartum depression, I have talked to my OB about it, it's just plain "mommy guilt". Once I started talking to other moms several felt the same way I did.

Now I am not "over" this mommy guilt, but I am learning to deal with it. I am learning to except that my house is not going to be as clean and organized as I would like it, dinner will not be served at a certain time every night and it might not be served at all some nights, but oh well! I am learning to spend the time I with Eli WITH ELI. Not worrying about other things but just plain being with him. It's a journey, but we are getting there.

2 months old

Eli is now 2 months old. I can't believe it! He is such an amazing little boy!
His colic is SO MUCH BETTER since I cut out dairy. It did take about 2 weeks for it to help, and if I "slip" and accidentally eat something with dairy in it he will be a little extra fussy for 2-3 days. So as you can imagine I try to be very careful about what I eat. He still has a fussy period where he fights sleep as hard as he can and doesn't want to be comforted, but with a little patience, a good rocking chair, puppy paci and a lullaby he can be coaxed into being a happy baby again.
His neck control is almost freakish. Everyone who is around him comments on how strong he is!  When he was first born he held his head up on his own within the first couple hours and has only gotten better!! He LOVES to sit up; he is convinced he is a big boy and not no stinking baby! He also likes it when you help him stand. He will push up and lock those knees in place. He will stand up on your lap for almost a whole minute now before his legs get tired and he sits back down!
He still loves his sleep sheep and rock n play. Seriously those things are amazing! Between those, puppy paci and a swaddleme he sleeps so well at night. He goes down at 8:45 and sleeps till some time around 4 or 5! Now that being said he is DEFINITELY my son; he FIGHTS sleep!!! He will pull at his hears, claw at his face, rub his eyes, grunt, buck like a bronco, anything to keep from getting relaxed. Once you get him still, arms and legs pinned down and a paci in his mouth he will ball his fist up as a last ditch effort to stay awake. He eventually gives it up, but then about 3-5 minutes after his eyes close he SCREAMS out for about 10 seconds and you better be rocking him!! LOL! After that last desperate attempt he gives up and sleeps. His little fist un-ball and the paci falls out. My little man doesn't want to miss anything!
Another interesting thing about E is that he is a much happier baby if we are "going". He gets very fussy if we just stay at home all day. He likes to get out of the house; even if it is just a walk around the block. We were hesitant to take him out very often, we didn't want him to get over-stimulated, but once we started taking him out for short trips he turned into a much happier baby. He still can get over-stimulated if we keep him around too many people too long; we are still looking for the perfect balance. 
Unfortunately E HATES formula!!! Ryan drops him off every morning before he goes to work and one morning he forgot to bring milk. He woke up starving so Nana decided she would feed him a bottle of formula then head over to my house to get the milk. He would only take about 2 oz before he started spitting it out and screaming bloody murder. LOL silly baby! Needless to say they got over here quickly and got that baby his milk! One night I only pumped 3 1/2 oz and rather than defrosting a whole 4 oz I decided to make a 1/2 oz of formula and mix it in with the breastmilk. He sucked down about an oz and then looked at me and spit all of it out. SO MUCH SPIT UP! Crazy kid... he knows what he want and he wants it when he wants it!
I cannot believe how much he has changed this month. He is starting to develop his own personality and I can't wait to see what kind of little boy he'll be!!

Colic

So we discovered why Eli was so fussy. He has colic...and reflux. Poor guy got a double dose! I have read about colic and our godson had colic so while I was pregnant I thought "well if he has colic I'll have clue what I'm in for" WRONG! Colic is a horrible horrible thing. It is dang near impossible to watch your baby cry for hours and hours on end and there is nothing you can do to make it better. On the up side it is always over by 10:30. But on some days it last 5 hours, and couple that with normal baby fussiness during the day and that can be stressful.

I think the best advice was giving to me by another mom on the March board of the Bump. She told me that if they are crying in your arms and you have done everything you know how to; if they are clean, feed, and otherwise "good" they can cry the same in the crib, bassinet, bouncer, swing, whatever as they can in your arms. Put the baby down. Another mommy friend of mine added go get a drink of water, take a quick shower, do something to calm your nerves for 5 minutes. It'll be better for you and better for baby. Truer words have never been spoken.

Now some things help during "colic time". The 5 S's from Happiest Baby on the Block normally can calm him down. The only thing is with a colic baby they will be calm for a little while (15 minutes if we're lucky) and then BAM! More crying. Sometimes gripe water or colic tablets work. Sometimes it's the vacuum, or walking, or the Moby. There are lots of things that will sometimes work for a few minutes, but nothing works for long enough to make him sleep for longer than 15 minutes.

It is getting a little better most days. He normally is down before 9:30 so that helps!

Don't get me wrong, I have found more joy in being a mommy than anything else I've ever done in my life. I love love love seeing his smiles, watching him discover the world around him and of course cuddle time!! I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. And thankfully this is our first child. This is all we know. We don't know what it would be like to have a baby who DIDN'T cry for hours almost every evening.

We are so thankful for Eli and love him so much; however, I wish more mommies had talked to me about how hard the first couple months could be so I am talking about it. I don't think it does anyone any good to sugarcoat the tough stuff. But like I said earlier... mommy-hood, while tough, is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Not my own

It has always been funny to me how someone can say something to you in passing and it really stick with you. About a year ago I was staying with Julia Mundy (my Mary Kay director) we were discussing something, I cannot remember what, and somehow the issue of children came up. She was telling me a story about her son and how she always viewed him as not her own, but a child of God's. He was theirs of course, but more like he was on loan. She was responsible for raising him into the man God wanted him to be. I of course was not pregnant yet and thought "gee that's cool" then dismissed the idea.

Yesterday I had a fussy baby. A very fussy baby. He was overstimulated, overtired, having gas pains, acid reflux, and eating every hour and half. Mommy was stressed, daddy was stressed and Eli was more stressed than all of us. It was funny because as I was feeding him what seemed to be the 100th bottle that day I was praying "God please help me help my baby, I don't know why he is screaming, I want to comfort him but I don't know how" Then like a light bulb Julia's words came back to me. He is not my own. For some odd reason that took the stress away. I didn't know what was wrong but He did. That didn't make Eli stop screaming (singing and rocking did) that didn't help him rest for a longer period, but it did make me feel not so alone.

My parents had stopped by to see him and helped get him calmed down and ready for bed. Ryan gave him his nighttime bottle and let me rest for a little longer. It worked out alright. He slept in between nighttime feedings (even if it was only 2 hours in between feedings) and today he has been a doll. I am so thankful for a huge support system here, between grandparents and his aunts and uncles Ryan and I are covered! But for some reason the thing that helped the most yesterday was comment made in passing by someone not even trying to help me be a better parent. Sometimes God speaks to us through the most interesting ways.

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart" Jeremiah 1:5

Once we got home...

So after the circumcision was over they were suppose to keep Eli for 30 min to observe him. They brought him immediately to us (the dr had come in to check on me before the procedure and I was crying like a baby because the nurse had took him from my arms- he seemed very concerned about her behavior). He was very upset, and hungry, and it took a while to get him calm. We found 2 different pacis in his bassinet even though we had told every nurse NO PACIFIERS! Once we got him calmed down he nursed okay and then we were discharged. PRAISE GOD! Now don't get me wrong, we had AMAZING nurses at Clear Lake, except for that one stupid nursery nurse. We left weighing in at 7 lbs 10 oz, not too much weight loss.

We were told to see our pediatrician the next day because Eli was jaundice, so we scheduled an appt for Tuesday at 3:20. When we got home we placed him just his diaper by the window to soak up as much sun as he could. He was so sweet and not fussy at all. The next day he was still being sweet but started getting fussy at feedings. He was having a hard time latching and I could tell he was still hungry. He wouldn't feed for more than 3 minutes without falling asleep! Ryan and I tried everything we could think of: getting him naked, changing his diaper, holding him up, rubbing his head, tickling his feet, ect. At the dr he weighed in at 7 lb 2 oz for a total of 1 lb weight loss. The dr suggested us going to a lactation consultant and seeing if his frenulum could be cut to help with nursing. She said as of now she was saying to give him a 1/2 oz of formula at each feeding through an eye dropper. So that's what we did.

At 3:30 that morning he had a wet diaper. He had not had a poppy diaper since the hospital. Wednesday morning my mom and I loaded him up and took him to the lactation consultant. They were able to cut his frenulum and he nursed very well there. When we got in he weighed 7lb even and after feeding he weighed 7 lb 2 oz. YAY! The excitement was short lived. He was so fussy the rest of the day he was difficult to comfort and refused to latch on. He would just scream and scream and thrash those hands and feet. My sister in law (a former NICU nurse) swaddled him to try and help, he was out of that swaddle in 5 seconds flat. I was crying, he was crying, my husband's parents had been saying "just give him a bottle" for 3 days. I was at my wits end.

By 4 that evening he had not had ANY dirty diapers, no pee, no poop, no NOTHING. I knew at that point we should be concerned. I called the dr's office and left a message with the nurse line. The dr called back within the hour and said it was time to give him a full feeding of formula. I could still do the eye dropper I did not have to do a bottle. He was still screaming so much the formula would just run out of his mouth. I broke down and gave him a bottle. By 10:45 pm we had pee and poop! Thank God!

My mom came over and sat with me while I cried and cried. She suggested to make a plan. Funny how simple things like that slip your mind while you are emotional. I decided to pump and give him breast milk from a bottle for full week to give my emotions time to settle out and to help him get back up to weight. So that's what we did. We went to the dr that Friday morning for a weigh in and my lil guy was up to 7 lb 9 oz!!! He had a couple formula bottles while we were waiting on my milk to come in, but 90% of his diet was breast milk! We were THRILLED!

I kept pumping and have been able to stay 1 bottle a head of him most of the time. He does have to have formula sometimes if my milk is low one session. The decision to pump was not something Ryan and I decided lightly. I was devistated. I felt like I hadn't given breast feeding enough of a chance, but I knew in my heart my baby was not getting what he needed. His little body was getting more and more yellow, and clearly by the lack of urine he was not thriving. I had to do what I had to do.

We tried nursing again yesterday and while it took him a while to latch he did okay, however he was still hungry after 20 minutes on each side and I gave him an oz of formula to hold him over until I could pump again. That decided it for me, for Eli at least, I am a pumping momma!

I never thought I would be the type of mom who was so concerned about breastfeeding. However there is a lot of pressure out there to breast feed and I never knew how much that affected me. My baby is getting breast milk, just not in the traditional way. He is gaining weight and much happier now that we are pumping constantly.

So I guess I'm writing this for all you moms-to-be or moms who were unable to breastfeed. Don't feel guilty, you do what you gotta do for your child. Also for you moms who are/were able to breastfeed count your blessings; there were lots of us who wish we could but are unable to.