I was rocking Eli to sleep this morning while watching an episode of MTV's The Hills. I remember watching this show in college and seeing so many similarities between Justin and Adriana's relationship and the "relationship" I was in. I remember all the tears I cried, the friendships I sacrificed, what I put my family and my body and emotions through to be with him. I gave up so much of myself. I remember thinking I could never be happy without him. I remember it all. But as I felt those old emotions wash through me I looked down at the sleeping baby in my arms and tears filled my eyes; I would have never imagined this life for myself.
All of that pain was only a few short years ago, and at the time I thought even if I got over it the scares would hurt forever. They don't. I regret the sacrifices I made in regards to who I was. I changed so much of myself. I don't blame him though. It was my choice. I lost my cousin that year and I lost a piece of myself. When I was broken I was looking to another broken person to heal me. Two broken people do not make each other whole.
In a few short years I have met an amazing man who loves me for me; who supports me when I need it, who gives me room to be me. I never knew how much I needed that-room to be me; to make my mistakes, to be the outgoing, energetic person that I am. He doesn't try to cage me in or hold me back. I do the same, in a way, for him. I allow him to stay in his comfort zone, to be quiet and kind. That is what true love is- allowing each other to be who God designed them to be. When I met Ryan I was healing, I was finally strong and independent and comfortable with who I was, who I am. And now we have this amazing little baby. This little life we are responsible for. I pray we give him the room to be who God has designed him to be. Whatever that is.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
new job!
Am I the only one who sits down to write a post and ends up erasing the first line 3-4 times before I figure out how I want to start? I am? Oh... well then. :)
For the past 3 years I have taught for Pasadena ISD at one of the toughest schools in the district. I would put those teachers against any teachers in the world! I have learned SO MUCH! I have seen blood, sweat and tears literally being poured out for our kiddios. I have laughed and cried with so many of the teachers there. We have a special bond that can only be created from teaching "tough kids". I have sat with a first year teacher when her students just didn't "get it" and she had tried everything she could think of. I have sat with a lady who has taught for 40+ years and soaked up her knowledge. I have been driven to the hospital when a little guy lost it and hit me in the stomach when I was very pregnant. What a journey!
I have such mixed feelings about moving on. I have accepted another teaching job in a district closer to home. It is a much smaller district-don't get me wrong it's still a 5A district, but it has like 6 elementary schools as opposed to 36. The other big change is I am moving from 1st grade to 4th!!! We are going to compartmentalized so I am teaching math and science. Also this school is open concept. That means that there are NO WALLS. We have bookcases separating each classroom area. I am a loud person---this is going to be a HUGE adjustment. I am thrilled about this new opportunity, but I never imagined how hard it would be to leave my current school.
I have a ton of what I think are great ideas for next year, but in education you can plan all you want, but that doesn't mean it will go that way---at all. So here we go, on to the next adventure!!
For the past 3 years I have taught for Pasadena ISD at one of the toughest schools in the district. I would put those teachers against any teachers in the world! I have learned SO MUCH! I have seen blood, sweat and tears literally being poured out for our kiddios. I have laughed and cried with so many of the teachers there. We have a special bond that can only be created from teaching "tough kids". I have sat with a first year teacher when her students just didn't "get it" and she had tried everything she could think of. I have sat with a lady who has taught for 40+ years and soaked up her knowledge. I have been driven to the hospital when a little guy lost it and hit me in the stomach when I was very pregnant. What a journey!
I have such mixed feelings about moving on. I have accepted another teaching job in a district closer to home. It is a much smaller district-don't get me wrong it's still a 5A district, but it has like 6 elementary schools as opposed to 36. The other big change is I am moving from 1st grade to 4th!!! We are going to compartmentalized so I am teaching math and science. Also this school is open concept. That means that there are NO WALLS. We have bookcases separating each classroom area. I am a loud person---this is going to be a HUGE adjustment. I am thrilled about this new opportunity, but I never imagined how hard it would be to leave my current school.
I have a ton of what I think are great ideas for next year, but in education you can plan all you want, but that doesn't mean it will go that way---at all. So here we go, on to the next adventure!!
Friday, July 13, 2012
knowing your limits
This is a hard post for me to write. At Eli's 4 month dr appt his pediatrician recommended I started phasing dairy back into my diet. I had eliminated it because E has a sensitivity to the milk proteins found in dairy. About 2 weeks after I cut it out his colic got much better. Don't get me wrong he would still have "colic time" nightly but instead of it being 4-6 hours of intense screaming it would be more like 2-3 hours of fussing. By 3 1/2 months almost all colic was gone.
Well... about 4 days after reincorporating SMALL (and I mean SMALL) amounts of dairy into my diet the screaming fits started back. They occur mostly in the evening and because Ry has been working overtime it's just me here to try and comfort little man. We have done a little of the "cry it out" when it comes to learning to stop fighting sleep at nap time. But this is a different cry, it is a gut wrenching scream that breaks your heart. And the worse part is I know he is hurting because of something I have done. I know I had to try a little dairy to see if he was still sensitive to it, but I HATE that I caused him pain.
Wednesday he fussed pretty much all the entire evening from 4-8. He didn't want to play, nap, be held, be put down, ect. Everything made him mad. He would be content in like 10 minute burst but after that is was Mr. Fussypants.
Thursday I was pumping at 9am and Ryan had to leave for work, well about 10 minutes after Ryan left E let out this horrible scream! He screamed for 30 minutes straight. He would turn blue because he was screaming and not breathing. I used all my regular tricks- burp the baby, make sure diaper is dry, teething tablets, gas medicine, check shot sites to make sure nothing crazy going on there (it's been almost a week, but hey you never know), even getting him naked (which almost ALWAYS works) and nothing! He was still screaming. Well after 30 minutes I loaded him up and was taking him to Nana's- part of me wanted to take him to the ER but I figured I would see if Nana and Pappy could figure it out. Well OF COURSE as soon as we walk into the door he immediately turns on the charm and acts like momma is crazy! My mom had heard his screaming on the phone so she knew I wasn't completely crazy. They looked him over, and after about 15 minutes there he broke down again. All anyone could figure was must be the dairy. He got better as the day went on and ended up having a pretty good day.
I write all this to say that I NEEDED help. After a couple days of a LOT of fussing when he started screaming for 30 minutes I was at my wits-end. I realized I was having a hard time and I went somewhere safe for both E and I. I felt like a horrible mother. I mean for crying out loud these little 17 year olds are having babies and they handle it, why is it so hard for me? I felt guilty about having E so "young". Both my brother and sister waited until after they were 30 to have kids, maybe I should have too. All these thoughts were running through my head.
I got E to nap and then went to my house to shower and get dressed for an appt I had later that day. While I was at home, in the quiet, I could think a little better and I realized that every mom is different, just as every baby is different. I have a VERY "spirited" baby and so sometimes I need a little break to ensure that I am being the best mom I can be. This doesn't make me a "bad" mom, it makes me a mom who knows her limits. I might not be the "best" mom, but I am the best mom I can be.
I think we often compare ourselves to others-at least I do- and that is where we mess up. No one else has your life, your baby, your husband, your circumstances, so no one else can say what they would or wouldn't do in your shoes. It is hard for me not to compare myself, but I know I must break that habit if I ever want to be truly happy.
Well... about 4 days after reincorporating SMALL (and I mean SMALL) amounts of dairy into my diet the screaming fits started back. They occur mostly in the evening and because Ry has been working overtime it's just me here to try and comfort little man. We have done a little of the "cry it out" when it comes to learning to stop fighting sleep at nap time. But this is a different cry, it is a gut wrenching scream that breaks your heart. And the worse part is I know he is hurting because of something I have done. I know I had to try a little dairy to see if he was still sensitive to it, but I HATE that I caused him pain.
Wednesday he fussed pretty much all the entire evening from 4-8. He didn't want to play, nap, be held, be put down, ect. Everything made him mad. He would be content in like 10 minute burst but after that is was Mr. Fussypants.
Thursday I was pumping at 9am and Ryan had to leave for work, well about 10 minutes after Ryan left E let out this horrible scream! He screamed for 30 minutes straight. He would turn blue because he was screaming and not breathing. I used all my regular tricks- burp the baby, make sure diaper is dry, teething tablets, gas medicine, check shot sites to make sure nothing crazy going on there (it's been almost a week, but hey you never know), even getting him naked (which almost ALWAYS works) and nothing! He was still screaming. Well after 30 minutes I loaded him up and was taking him to Nana's- part of me wanted to take him to the ER but I figured I would see if Nana and Pappy could figure it out. Well OF COURSE as soon as we walk into the door he immediately turns on the charm and acts like momma is crazy! My mom had heard his screaming on the phone so she knew I wasn't completely crazy. They looked him over, and after about 15 minutes there he broke down again. All anyone could figure was must be the dairy. He got better as the day went on and ended up having a pretty good day.
I write all this to say that I NEEDED help. After a couple days of a LOT of fussing when he started screaming for 30 minutes I was at my wits-end. I realized I was having a hard time and I went somewhere safe for both E and I. I felt like a horrible mother. I mean for crying out loud these little 17 year olds are having babies and they handle it, why is it so hard for me? I felt guilty about having E so "young". Both my brother and sister waited until after they were 30 to have kids, maybe I should have too. All these thoughts were running through my head.
I got E to nap and then went to my house to shower and get dressed for an appt I had later that day. While I was at home, in the quiet, I could think a little better and I realized that every mom is different, just as every baby is different. I have a VERY "spirited" baby and so sometimes I need a little break to ensure that I am being the best mom I can be. This doesn't make me a "bad" mom, it makes me a mom who knows her limits. I might not be the "best" mom, but I am the best mom I can be.
I think we often compare ourselves to others-at least I do- and that is where we mess up. No one else has your life, your baby, your husband, your circumstances, so no one else can say what they would or wouldn't do in your shoes. It is hard for me not to compare myself, but I know I must break that habit if I ever want to be truly happy.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Being a Parent, Not a Friend
Eli is almost 4 months old- that in no way, shape, or form makes me a parenting expert. I do however know what I think is acceptable behavior for MY son. I know what I expect of him as he grows and what I will and will not allow him to do. I know some of that will change as he grows (and I am actually faced with the situation) but I do know some things will not.
That being said I do not understand how parents think it is okay for their small children (ages 3-6ish) to be complete and total punks. They think their child back-talking, cussing, acting like they are drinking alcohol, giving attitude (a lot of attitude), ect. is cute or funny. IT IS NOT. While you may think it is cute now what you allow a child to do a teenager will think is acceptable and it will not be cute as a teenager. When a child has been allowed to backtalk all their life you cannot expect them to magically respect you when they turn 13.
We as parents need to set clear boundaries for our children. The kids I teach have no boundaries at home and they crave them- every year I see them first fight, then learn to crave and love the boundaries and predictability that come with them. When kids are allowed to act however they wish as small children we end up with teenagers like those in the news lately who bullied a grandmother to tears. We MUST raise generation better than this. It is our responsibility as parents and citizens of the world. We must teach our children that there is an acceptable way to behave, that kindness, courtesy, and respect for our fellow humans are NOT optional. We have to stop trying to be our children's FRIEND and start being a PARENT.
Again, I know my son is an infant and I haven't had to deal with this situation yet; but I do know what my expectations are for him.
That being said I do not understand how parents think it is okay for their small children (ages 3-6ish) to be complete and total punks. They think their child back-talking, cussing, acting like they are drinking alcohol, giving attitude (a lot of attitude), ect. is cute or funny. IT IS NOT. While you may think it is cute now what you allow a child to do a teenager will think is acceptable and it will not be cute as a teenager. When a child has been allowed to backtalk all their life you cannot expect them to magically respect you when they turn 13.
We as parents need to set clear boundaries for our children. The kids I teach have no boundaries at home and they crave them- every year I see them first fight, then learn to crave and love the boundaries and predictability that come with them. When kids are allowed to act however they wish as small children we end up with teenagers like those in the news lately who bullied a grandmother to tears. We MUST raise generation better than this. It is our responsibility as parents and citizens of the world. We must teach our children that there is an acceptable way to behave, that kindness, courtesy, and respect for our fellow humans are NOT optional. We have to stop trying to be our children's FRIEND and start being a PARENT.
Again, I know my son is an infant and I haven't had to deal with this situation yet; but I do know what my expectations are for him.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
mommy guilt
I have always struggled with guilt. I never wanted to disappoint my family, teachers, anyone. I might have argued with my parents but the minute I got that "Casey, you really disappointed me" I was done. I do not do well with guilt. So it should be no surprise that I am really struggling with "mommy guilt".
I feel guilty about working, then when I am home on the weekends sometimes I feel guilty for wanted "mommy time". I feel guilty for giving up on breastfeeding so quickly, I feel guilty for letting him cry sometimes so mommy can wash bottles or pump. Mostly I feel guilty about things pertaining to Eli but I also feel guilty for the house being dirty, the amount of dog hair on my couch cushions, the fact that poor Dixie hasn't been played with when I get home, I feel bad when Ryan has to start cleaning, cooking, or take a fussy baby as soon as he gets home. As you can see I feel guilty most of the time.
Having a baby with colic makes life difficult sometimes. Eli is fussy (not screaming his head off anymore, thank God) from about 4:30ish till he goes to sleep around 7:30-8:15. So when I pick him up from my Mom's and get him home he is NOT being put down. I only get him from 5-bedtime every weekday and so I don't want to put him down to vacuum or cook. I want to cuddle my baby, but I HAVE to pump, clean the bottles, and make sure he has swaddles clean for bed. So while I am doing that sometimes he screams his head off, sometimes he sits in the bouncy seat and "talks". I feel guilty either way.
I had been feeling this way for several weeks but hadn't told anyone. I thought this was something I must be alone in. All my new mommy friends seemed so HAPPY. Don't get me wrong I love Eli more than anything in the world and I couldn't imagine anything better than cuddling him, talking to him, and just plain staring at him; BUT sometimes I am so overwhelmed with life that I feel just plain bad. It's not postpartum depression, I have talked to my OB about it, it's just plain "mommy guilt". Once I started talking to other moms several felt the same way I did.
Now I am not "over" this mommy guilt, but I am learning to deal with it. I am learning to except that my house is not going to be as clean and organized as I would like it, dinner will not be served at a certain time every night and it might not be served at all some nights, but oh well! I am learning to spend the time I with Eli WITH ELI. Not worrying about other things but just plain being with him. It's a journey, but we are getting there.
I feel guilty about working, then when I am home on the weekends sometimes I feel guilty for wanted "mommy time". I feel guilty for giving up on breastfeeding so quickly, I feel guilty for letting him cry sometimes so mommy can wash bottles or pump. Mostly I feel guilty about things pertaining to Eli but I also feel guilty for the house being dirty, the amount of dog hair on my couch cushions, the fact that poor Dixie hasn't been played with when I get home, I feel bad when Ryan has to start cleaning, cooking, or take a fussy baby as soon as he gets home. As you can see I feel guilty most of the time.
Having a baby with colic makes life difficult sometimes. Eli is fussy (not screaming his head off anymore, thank God) from about 4:30ish till he goes to sleep around 7:30-8:15. So when I pick him up from my Mom's and get him home he is NOT being put down. I only get him from 5-bedtime every weekday and so I don't want to put him down to vacuum or cook. I want to cuddle my baby, but I HAVE to pump, clean the bottles, and make sure he has swaddles clean for bed. So while I am doing that sometimes he screams his head off, sometimes he sits in the bouncy seat and "talks". I feel guilty either way.
I had been feeling this way for several weeks but hadn't told anyone. I thought this was something I must be alone in. All my new mommy friends seemed so HAPPY. Don't get me wrong I love Eli more than anything in the world and I couldn't imagine anything better than cuddling him, talking to him, and just plain staring at him; BUT sometimes I am so overwhelmed with life that I feel just plain bad. It's not postpartum depression, I have talked to my OB about it, it's just plain "mommy guilt". Once I started talking to other moms several felt the same way I did.
Now I am not "over" this mommy guilt, but I am learning to deal with it. I am learning to except that my house is not going to be as clean and organized as I would like it, dinner will not be served at a certain time every night and it might not be served at all some nights, but oh well! I am learning to spend the time I with Eli WITH ELI. Not worrying about other things but just plain being with him. It's a journey, but we are getting there.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Faith in Trails
Today in my devotional the author was talking about how sometimes we focus so hard on the problems of our lives that we take our focus off of God's sovereignty. How true that is for me. Whenever something comes up I spend my time focusing in on how I am going to solve it, how to handle any issues that could possibly arise, and hardly any time praying or focusing on God's promise.
I am not going to write a long blog about this but I did want to share that brief thought and share this verse "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31.
I am not going to write a long blog about this but I did want to share that brief thought and share this verse "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
2 months old
Eli is now 2 months old. I can't believe it! He is such an amazing little boy!
His colic is SO MUCH BETTER since I cut out dairy. It did take about 2 weeks for it to help, and if I "slip" and accidentally eat something with dairy in it he will be a little extra fussy for 2-3 days. So as you can imagine I try to be very careful about what I eat. He still has a fussy period where he fights sleep as hard as he can and doesn't want to be comforted, but with a little patience, a good rocking chair, puppy paci and a lullaby he can be coaxed into being a happy baby again.
His neck control is almost freakish. Everyone who is around him comments on how strong he is! When he was first born he held his head up on his own within the first couple hours and has only gotten better!! He LOVES to sit up; he is convinced he is a big boy and not no stinking baby! He also likes it when you help him stand. He will push up and lock those knees in place. He will stand up on your lap for almost a whole minute now before his legs get tired and he sits back down!
He still loves his sleep sheep and rock n play. Seriously those things are amazing! Between those, puppy paci and a swaddleme he sleeps so well at night. He goes down at 8:45 and sleeps till some time around 4 or 5! Now that being said he is DEFINITELY my son; he FIGHTS sleep!!! He will pull at his hears, claw at his face, rub his eyes, grunt, buck like a bronco, anything to keep from getting relaxed. Once you get him still, arms and legs pinned down and a paci in his mouth he will ball his fist up as a last ditch effort to stay awake. He eventually gives it up, but then about 3-5 minutes after his eyes close he SCREAMS out for about 10 seconds and you better be rocking him!! LOL! After that last desperate attempt he gives up and sleeps. His little fist un-ball and the paci falls out. My little man doesn't want to miss anything!
Another interesting thing about E is that he is a much happier baby if we are "going". He gets very fussy if we just stay at home all day. He likes to get out of the house; even if it is just a walk around the block. We were hesitant to take him out very often, we didn't want him to get over-stimulated, but once we started taking him out for short trips he turned into a much happier baby. He still can get over-stimulated if we keep him around too many people too long; we are still looking for the perfect balance.
Unfortunately E HATES formula!!! Ryan drops him off every morning before he goes to work and one morning he forgot to bring milk. He woke up starving so Nana decided she would feed him a bottle of formula then head over to my house to get the milk. He would only take about 2 oz before he started spitting it out and screaming bloody murder. LOL silly baby! Needless to say they got over here quickly and got that baby his milk! One night I only pumped 3 1/2 oz and rather than defrosting a whole 4 oz I decided to make a 1/2 oz of formula and mix it in with the breastmilk. He sucked down about an oz and then looked at me and spit all of it out. SO MUCH SPIT UP! Crazy kid... he knows what he want and he wants it when he wants it!
I cannot believe how much he has changed this month. He is starting to develop his own personality and I can't wait to see what kind of little boy he'll be!!
His colic is SO MUCH BETTER since I cut out dairy. It did take about 2 weeks for it to help, and if I "slip" and accidentally eat something with dairy in it he will be a little extra fussy for 2-3 days. So as you can imagine I try to be very careful about what I eat. He still has a fussy period where he fights sleep as hard as he can and doesn't want to be comforted, but with a little patience, a good rocking chair, puppy paci and a lullaby he can be coaxed into being a happy baby again.
His neck control is almost freakish. Everyone who is around him comments on how strong he is! When he was first born he held his head up on his own within the first couple hours and has only gotten better!! He LOVES to sit up; he is convinced he is a big boy and not no stinking baby! He also likes it when you help him stand. He will push up and lock those knees in place. He will stand up on your lap for almost a whole minute now before his legs get tired and he sits back down!
He still loves his sleep sheep and rock n play. Seriously those things are amazing! Between those, puppy paci and a swaddleme he sleeps so well at night. He goes down at 8:45 and sleeps till some time around 4 or 5! Now that being said he is DEFINITELY my son; he FIGHTS sleep!!! He will pull at his hears, claw at his face, rub his eyes, grunt, buck like a bronco, anything to keep from getting relaxed. Once you get him still, arms and legs pinned down and a paci in his mouth he will ball his fist up as a last ditch effort to stay awake. He eventually gives it up, but then about 3-5 minutes after his eyes close he SCREAMS out for about 10 seconds and you better be rocking him!! LOL! After that last desperate attempt he gives up and sleeps. His little fist un-ball and the paci falls out. My little man doesn't want to miss anything!
Another interesting thing about E is that he is a much happier baby if we are "going". He gets very fussy if we just stay at home all day. He likes to get out of the house; even if it is just a walk around the block. We were hesitant to take him out very often, we didn't want him to get over-stimulated, but once we started taking him out for short trips he turned into a much happier baby. He still can get over-stimulated if we keep him around too many people too long; we are still looking for the perfect balance.
Unfortunately E HATES formula!!! Ryan drops him off every morning before he goes to work and one morning he forgot to bring milk. He woke up starving so Nana decided she would feed him a bottle of formula then head over to my house to get the milk. He would only take about 2 oz before he started spitting it out and screaming bloody murder. LOL silly baby! Needless to say they got over here quickly and got that baby his milk! One night I only pumped 3 1/2 oz and rather than defrosting a whole 4 oz I decided to make a 1/2 oz of formula and mix it in with the breastmilk. He sucked down about an oz and then looked at me and spit all of it out. SO MUCH SPIT UP! Crazy kid... he knows what he want and he wants it when he wants it!
I cannot believe how much he has changed this month. He is starting to develop his own personality and I can't wait to see what kind of little boy he'll be!!
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