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Have you ever felt like you take 1 step forward and 2 steps back? That's how I feel at this moment.

I graduated from college in 3 years with a pretty darn good GPA, I went on to get a job and have since pursued oportunities to better myself (and my pay) within my chosen field. I am currently in grad school pursuing my Masters in Education Administration in hopes of one day being an assistant principal or principal. I did all the "right" things, but it seems like we can't get ahead financially.

I KNOW MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING. Let me make that abundantly clear. But as I sit here in my hot warm living room (our air conditioner broke yesterday) I wonder how we are going to afford to fix it and money seems to be a BIG thing. 

I KNOW that God will provide for us to get by. He always has, but honestly I am getting tired of just getting by. I know I should be thankful, but right now in this moment I am not.

Ryan is pursing a career change and we are so excited about this new opportunity with the Houston Fire Department, but in the mean time is means some MAJOR financial changes in our life. While he is in the academy and in his probationary year we will have to cut back in a major way, which seems easy enough, unless you consider that we already live relatively meagerly. I know that we will make it work, and I know that we will be stronger because of it; however right now, in this moment, I am FREAKING OUT nervous. I am scared, I don't know HOW it's going to work. I think Dave Ramsey said it best when he talks about how when there is any kind of financial trouble a woman gets scared in a place men don 't even have.

I guess I should stop complaining and worrying and get into problem solving mode, but right now I'm just not there yet. Here's hoping I'll get there soon.

Back to the Grind

Allow me to start of this post with a ROLL TIDE! BCS Championship Game Day is here! I truly hope Bama wins, because my husband will be inconsolable if they do not.

Ok, on to other topics. Today was back to work after 2 weeks off. Ugh. I planned last night and packed my lunch, laid out clothes for work, laid out work out clothes, set my alarm for 4:30 (DOUBLE UGH) and then checked the weather- 39 degrees projected for 5 am. Ummmm NO! I don't do cold! So we changed the plan to still get up at 4:30 but do a quick yoga video, have some quiet time and then start a peaceful morning. Wellllllllllllllll my alarm didn't want me to go back to work either because it didn't go off and I woke up at 5:50. Luckly I had most prep work done so no yoga, no quiet time, just get dressed and out the door at the last possible second. Oh well. I left work around 3:30 and came home, changed and was about to head out the door to run and was struck with gut wrenching anxiety.

I have never been a woman prone to worry, but having a child changes things. After I gave birth I had pretty bad postpartum depression. I talked to my dr about it, he suggested waiting a while before we did medication. Then my anxiety kicked in. I have had anxiety since then; about the silliest things.With the help of my family, friends and very mild medication I was able to overcome my postpartum depression and I am learning to cope with my anxiety. So today when my anxiety hit I sat down and thought why am I so nervous? What is it I am afraid of? Immediately I realized I was scared I couldn't do it. I knew the run I had planned was easy and within my physical capabilities, but what I was afraid of was failure of spirit. It is hard to keep going when your legs are tired. It is hard for me to run alone and alone I was. I looked down on the floor and there was my cell phone and a picture of E staring up at me. I knew I could do it; I was still scared, but I laced up my running shoes and walked out the door.

And guess what I did it. It was challenging, but what in life worth having isn't?

Today I realized that I can choose to pass down fear of failure to my son, or I can choose to show him that even when things are hard, you do it. When things are scary, you do it. When you plain JUST DON'T WANT TO, you do it anyway.