Back to the Grind

Allow me to start of this post with a ROLL TIDE! BCS Championship Game Day is here! I truly hope Bama wins, because my husband will be inconsolable if they do not.

Ok, on to other topics. Today was back to work after 2 weeks off. Ugh. I planned last night and packed my lunch, laid out clothes for work, laid out work out clothes, set my alarm for 4:30 (DOUBLE UGH) and then checked the weather- 39 degrees projected for 5 am. Ummmm NO! I don't do cold! So we changed the plan to still get up at 4:30 but do a quick yoga video, have some quiet time and then start a peaceful morning. Wellllllllllllllll my alarm didn't want me to go back to work either because it didn't go off and I woke up at 5:50. Luckly I had most prep work done so no yoga, no quiet time, just get dressed and out the door at the last possible second. Oh well. I left work around 3:30 and came home, changed and was about to head out the door to run and was struck with gut wrenching anxiety.

I have never been a woman prone to worry, but having a child changes things. After I gave birth I had pretty bad postpartum depression. I talked to my dr about it, he suggested waiting a while before we did medication. Then my anxiety kicked in. I have had anxiety since then; about the silliest things.With the help of my family, friends and very mild medication I was able to overcome my postpartum depression and I am learning to cope with my anxiety. So today when my anxiety hit I sat down and thought why am I so nervous? What is it I am afraid of? Immediately I realized I was scared I couldn't do it. I knew the run I had planned was easy and within my physical capabilities, but what I was afraid of was failure of spirit. It is hard to keep going when your legs are tired. It is hard for me to run alone and alone I was. I looked down on the floor and there was my cell phone and a picture of E staring up at me. I knew I could do it; I was still scared, but I laced up my running shoes and walked out the door.

And guess what I did it. It was challenging, but what in life worth having isn't?

Today I realized that I can choose to pass down fear of failure to my son, or I can choose to show him that even when things are hard, you do it. When things are scary, you do it. When you plain JUST DON'T WANT TO, you do it anyway.

New Church

Today we visited a new church. We were actually very impressed. It seems to be a lot like our old church in Fort Worth and that is what we are looking for. Hopefully it will work out. Little man did okay in the nursery. He did have a couple of crying spells (so they say), but overall very successful.

Speaking of little man here he is enjoying a whole grain waffle for breakfast- more of it may have ended up being eaten by the dog on the floor than he actual ate, but hey it's a start with table food.

Today after church I went to lunch with my momma, sister, sister in law and niece! What a fun girls day! We ate, we laughed, we ordered dessert- YUM!

Tomorrow starts a new chapter in my life-OPERATION: LOOSE THE BABY WEIGHT- for real yo! I am starting BACK on the C25K program. I had a lot of success with it the summer before I got preggers, so I am dreading excited to start running again. But seriously I am NOT a runner. God saw fit to make me 5 foot tall and have short legs, He did not create me to run; He did create me to take care of my body though and running has always been the #1 way for me to loose weight. So tomorrow morning 5 am me, my running shoes, my iPod, and the road have a date. I will be running Mon, Wed and Fri (barring weather) and doing Zumba Tues/Thur at our local rec center. I LOVE Zumba. I have a friend from college who is a Zumba instructor and has made an amazing transformation by doing Zumba. I AM excited about Zumba!

So since tomorrow's run is gonna come EARLY I am off to bed (a.k.a read The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest- if you haven't read these books do so NOW- they are SO GOOD!)

Play-off Saturday

Ryan and I have developed a system of alternating who gets up with little man in the mornings . Today was his turn, that means I got to sleep till 7:40! That was uh- mazing!!  The Texans won their playoff game today, and the three of us bad a good time watching the game . unfortunately I have a horrible migraine . I hate these blasted headaches. Before I was pregnant I had some fabulous medicine to help, however I let the prescription lapse and now I am without pharmaceutical help. Excedrin migraine takes the edge off, but it still makes it hard to be on my momma game!

It' s times like this that I realize how lucky I am to have a husband who is willing to pick up my slack and entertain a VERY busy baby while momma lays on the couch ans watches them . I am one lucky gal!

We are visiting another new church tomorrow . Last time we tried little man got so upset they paged us twice. After the second page we decided it would be best to leave. Hopefully tomorrow goes better, I would really love to find church we feel like we could raise E in .

New Year, New View

wow I am a bad blogger . One of my personal goals for this year is to blog everyday- even if it is just to say I really need a nap! So that being said here we go...

I have never been a "resolution" person, but this year it seems like the perfect time to reevaluate my life and set forth a new path so to speak . So here are my personal goals for 2013:

1 Put my spiritual life first . I had a "revelation" the other day . I am raising a son (duh), I have always realized that this means I have a responsibility to always remember that while he may be a little boy he is not just a little boy, he is a man in the making  I have to set the foundation for him to become the type of man he should be.My revelation was that I am setting the example.for the type of.woman he will most likely marry . Wow, when you think about the implications to that statement I am very convicted . I need to be the type of woman I think would b worthy of my son powerful thought .

2 I will put my health second. That means eating better, exercising more and taking time for me to refuel.

3 I am starting on my masters . I plan to start in Feb with Lamar university . I am so excited!

Room to be me...

I was rocking Eli to sleep this morning while watching an episode of MTV's The Hills. I remember watching this show in college and seeing so many similarities between Justin and Adriana's relationship and the "relationship" I was in. I remember all the tears I cried, the friendships I sacrificed, what I put my family and my body and emotions through to be with him. I gave up so much of myself. I remember thinking I could never be happy without him. I remember it all. But as I felt those old emotions wash through me I looked down at the sleeping baby in my arms and tears filled my eyes; I would have never imagined this life for myself.

All of that pain was only a few short years ago, and at the time I thought even if I got over it the scares would hurt forever. They don't. I regret the sacrifices I made in regards to who I was. I changed so much of myself. I don't blame him though. It was my choice. I lost my cousin that year and I lost a piece of myself. When I was broken I was looking to another broken person to heal me. Two broken people do not make each other whole.

In a few short years I have met an amazing man who loves me for me; who supports me when I need it, who gives me room to be me. I never knew how much I needed that-room to be me; to make my mistakes, to be the outgoing, energetic person that I am. He doesn't try to cage me in or hold me back. I do the same, in a way, for him. I allow him to stay in his comfort zone, to be quiet and kind. That is what true love is- allowing each other to be who God designed them to be. When I met Ryan I was healing, I was finally strong and independent and comfortable with who I was, who I am. And now we have this amazing little baby. This little life we are responsible for. I pray we give him the room to be who God has designed him to be. Whatever that is.

new job!

Am I the only one who sits down to write a post and ends up erasing the first line 3-4 times before I figure out how I want to start? I am? Oh... well then. :)

For the past 3 years I have taught for Pasadena ISD at one of the toughest schools in the district. I would put those teachers against any teachers in the world! I have learned SO MUCH! I have seen blood, sweat and tears literally being poured out for our kiddios. I have laughed and cried with so many of the teachers there. We have a special bond that can only be created from teaching "tough kids". I have sat with a first year teacher when her students just didn't "get it" and she had tried everything she could think of. I have sat with a lady who has taught for 40+ years and soaked up her knowledge. I have been driven to the hospital when a little guy lost it and hit me in the stomach when I was very pregnant. What a journey!

I have such mixed feelings about moving on. I have accepted another teaching job in a district closer to home. It is a much smaller district-don't get me wrong it's still a 5A district, but it has like 6 elementary schools as opposed to 36. The other big change is I am moving from 1st grade to 4th!!! We are going to compartmentalized so I am teaching math and science. Also this school is open concept. That means that there are NO WALLS. We have bookcases separating each classroom area. I am a loud person---this is going to be a HUGE adjustment. I am thrilled about this new opportunity, but I never imagined how hard it would be to leave my current school.

I have a ton of what I think are great ideas for next year, but in education you can plan all you want, but that doesn't mean it will go that way---at all. So here we go, on to the next adventure!!

knowing your limits

This is a hard post for me to write. At Eli's 4 month dr appt his pediatrician recommended I started phasing dairy back into my diet. I had eliminated it because E has a sensitivity to the milk proteins found in dairy. About 2 weeks after I cut it out his colic got much better. Don't get me wrong he would still have "colic time" nightly but instead of it being 4-6 hours of intense screaming it would be more like 2-3 hours of fussing. By 3 1/2 months almost all colic was gone.

Well... about 4 days after reincorporating SMALL (and I mean SMALL) amounts of dairy into my diet the screaming fits started back. They occur mostly in the evening and because Ry has been working overtime it's just me here to try and comfort little man. We have done a little of the "cry it out" when it comes to learning to stop fighting sleep at nap time. But this is a different cry, it is a gut wrenching scream that breaks your heart. And the worse part is I know he is hurting because of something I have done. I know I had to try a little dairy to see if he was still sensitive to it, but I HATE that I caused him pain.

Wednesday he fussed pretty much all the entire evening from 4-8. He didn't want to play, nap, be held, be put down, ect. Everything made him mad. He would be content in like 10 minute burst but after that is was Mr. Fussypants.

Thursday I was pumping at 9am and Ryan had to leave for work, well about 10 minutes after Ryan left E let out this horrible scream! He screamed for 30 minutes straight. He would turn blue because he was screaming and not breathing. I used all my regular tricks- burp the baby, make sure diaper is dry, teething tablets, gas medicine, check shot sites to make sure nothing crazy going on there (it's been almost a week, but hey you never know), even getting him naked (which almost ALWAYS works) and nothing! He was still screaming. Well after 30 minutes I loaded him up and was taking him to Nana's- part of me wanted to take him to the ER but I figured I would see if Nana and Pappy could figure it out. Well OF COURSE as soon as we walk into the door he immediately turns on the charm and acts like momma is crazy! My mom had heard his screaming on the phone so she knew I wasn't completely crazy. They looked him over, and after about 15 minutes there he broke down again. All anyone could figure was must be the dairy. He got better as the day went on and ended up having a pretty good day.

I write all this to say that I NEEDED help. After a couple days of a LOT of fussing when he started screaming for 30 minutes I was at my wits-end. I realized I was having a hard time and I went somewhere safe for both E and I. I felt like a horrible mother. I mean for crying out loud these little 17 year olds are having babies and they handle it, why is it so hard for me? I felt guilty about having E so "young". Both my brother and sister waited until after they were 30 to have kids, maybe I should have too. All these thoughts were running through my head.

I got E to nap and then went to my house to shower and get dressed for an appt I had later that day. While I was at home, in the quiet, I could think a little better and I realized that every mom is different, just as every baby is different. I have a VERY "spirited" baby and so sometimes I need a little break to ensure that I am being the best mom I can be. This doesn't make me a "bad" mom, it makes me a mom who knows her limits. I might not be the "best" mom, but I am the best mom I can be.

I think we often compare ourselves to others-at least I do- and that is where we mess up. No one else has your life, your baby, your husband, your circumstances, so no one else can say what they would or wouldn't do in your shoes. It is hard for me not to compare myself, but I know I must break that habit if I ever want to be truly happy.