Saturday, December 24, 2011


Yesterday I drove to Crockett to be with an old friend from college as she buried her mom, she is scheduled to deliver her baby girl into this world on Monday. It hit home HARD to imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes, how I would feel.
To truly understand how I felt you have to know the history between this group of girls and myself. We were very close for about 2 years then we went through a rough patch. I felt they weren't there for me when I was going through a very difficult time in my life and they felt I was pulling away from them and hanging out with a different group of people instead of them. We had a falling out, and as it can get when you are young girls, it got ugly. I made up with these girls at different times, one was shortly after it happened, the second was a little longer and the last never got back to the place where it was. However, yesterday when one person was in trouble all of these things didn't matter, we pulled together.

I entitled this post freedom, because I realized how much freedom I have in my life. We found out that the mom who passed away was about to buy the stroller, crib and pack and play for her daughter and due to her passing my friend didn't have these things for her daughter. We were able to pull together enough money to buy them a pack and play and a nice stroller. I am so grateful that we were able to do that. Ryan and I may not make that much money, and of course we would like to make a little more, but we have always been able to help when we see a friend in need and that is financial freedom if you ask me. I consider myself very blessed in that way.

I also realized yesterday how much I have changed from the girl I was in college. I carried around so many insecurities, scares, and pain. I was dealing with the death of Heather, a very dysfunctional relationship, and the normal "trying to find myself" stuff. Since then I have "found" myself, I have overcame the scares that Heather's death left and have forgiven myself and the boy I dated for the pain we put each other through for 3 1/2 long years. This was not an overnight process, it took a great deal of time, prayer, and a great therapist. I am not ashamed to admit that after everything started to fall apart I sought help from a professional. He helped me work through the anger I felt at Heather for dying and abandoning me, the pain of a relationship gone wrong, and the issues I had (like we all do) for things in my childhood.

I couldn't help but reflect as I drove home yesterday on my life now, I would have never imagined being married to a man like Ryan, having a relationship where we both respect each other. I would have never imagined owning my own home, having a career and preparing to give birth to a baby boy. I was trapped by the lies and doubt, but now I do have freedom, and for that I thank God (and an amazing therapist named David- lol),