Ok, on to other topics. Today was back to work after 2 weeks off. Ugh. I planned last night and packed my lunch, laid out clothes for work, laid out work out clothes, set my alarm for 4:30 (DOUBLE UGH) and then checked the weather- 39 degrees projected for 5 am. Ummmm NO! I don't do cold! So we changed the plan to still get up at 4:30 but do a quick yoga video, have some quiet time and then start a peaceful morning. Wellllllllllllllll my alarm didn't want me to go back to work either because it didn't go off and I woke up at 5:50. Luckly I had most prep work done so no yoga, no quiet time, just get dressed and out the door at the last possible second. Oh well. I left work around 3:30 and came home, changed and was about to head out the door to run and was struck with gut wrenching anxiety.
I have never been a woman prone to worry, but having a child changes things. After I gave birth I had pretty bad postpartum depression. I talked to my dr about it, he suggested waiting a while before we did medication. Then my anxiety kicked in. I have had anxiety since then; about the silliest things.With the help of my family, friends and very mild medication I was able to overcome my postpartum depression and I am learning to cope with my anxiety. So today when my anxiety hit I sat down and thought why am I so nervous? What is it I am afraid of? Immediately I realized I was scared I couldn't do it. I knew the run I had planned was easy and within my physical capabilities, but what I was afraid of was failure of spirit. It is hard to keep going when your legs are tired. It is hard for me to run alone and alone I was. I looked down on the floor and there was my cell phone and a picture of E staring up at me. I knew I could do it; I was still scared, but I laced up my running shoes and walked out the door.
And guess what I did it. It was challenging, but what in life worth having isn't?
Today I realized that I can choose to pass down fear of failure to my son, or I can choose to show him that even when things are hard, you do it. When things are scary, you do it. When you plain JUST DON'T WANT TO, you do it anyway.