Sunday, May 27, 2012

mommy guilt

I have always struggled with guilt. I never wanted to disappoint my family, teachers, anyone. I might have argued with my parents but the minute I got that "Casey, you really disappointed me" I was done. I do not do well with guilt. So it should be no surprise that I am really struggling with "mommy guilt".

I feel guilty about working, then when I am home on the weekends sometimes I feel guilty for wanted "mommy time". I feel guilty for giving up on breastfeeding so quickly, I feel guilty for letting him cry sometimes so mommy can wash bottles or pump. Mostly I feel guilty about things pertaining to Eli but I also feel guilty for the house being dirty, the amount of dog hair on my couch cushions, the fact that poor Dixie hasn't been played with when I get home, I feel bad when Ryan has to start cleaning, cooking, or take a fussy baby as soon as he gets home. As you can see I feel guilty most of the time.

Having a baby with colic makes life difficult sometimes. Eli is fussy (not screaming his head off anymore, thank God) from about 4:30ish till he goes to sleep around 7:30-8:15. So when I pick him up from my Mom's and get him home he is NOT being put down. I only get him from 5-bedtime every weekday and so I don't want to put him down to vacuum or cook. I want to cuddle my baby, but I HAVE to pump, clean the bottles, and make sure he has swaddles clean for bed. So while I am doing that sometimes he screams his head off, sometimes he sits in the bouncy seat and "talks". I feel guilty either way.

I had been feeling this way for several weeks but hadn't told anyone. I thought this was something I must be alone in. All my new mommy friends seemed so HAPPY. Don't get me wrong I love Eli more than anything in the world and I couldn't imagine anything better than cuddling him, talking to him, and just plain staring at him; BUT sometimes I am so overwhelmed with life that I feel just plain bad. It's not postpartum depression, I have talked to my OB about it, it's just plain "mommy guilt". Once I started talking to other moms several felt the same way I did.

Now I am not "over" this mommy guilt, but I am learning to deal with it. I am learning to except that my house is not going to be as clean and organized as I would like it, dinner will not be served at a certain time every night and it might not be served at all some nights, but oh well! I am learning to spend the time I with Eli WITH ELI. Not worrying about other things but just plain being with him. It's a journey, but we are getting there.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Faith in Trails

Today in my devotional the author was talking about how sometimes we focus so hard on the problems of our lives that we take our focus off of God's sovereignty. How true that is for me. Whenever something comes up I spend my time focusing in on how I am going to solve it, how to handle any issues that could possibly arise, and hardly any time praying or focusing on God's promise.

I am not going to write a long blog about this but I did want to share that brief thought and share this verse "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

2 months old

Eli is now 2 months old. I can't believe it! He is such an amazing little boy!
His colic is SO MUCH BETTER since I cut out dairy. It did take about 2 weeks for it to help, and if I "slip" and accidentally eat something with dairy in it he will be a little extra fussy for 2-3 days. So as you can imagine I try to be very careful about what I eat. He still has a fussy period where he fights sleep as hard as he can and doesn't want to be comforted, but with a little patience, a good rocking chair, puppy paci and a lullaby he can be coaxed into being a happy baby again.
His neck control is almost freakish. Everyone who is around him comments on how strong he is!  When he was first born he held his head up on his own within the first couple hours and has only gotten better!! He LOVES to sit up; he is convinced he is a big boy and not no stinking baby! He also likes it when you help him stand. He will push up and lock those knees in place. He will stand up on your lap for almost a whole minute now before his legs get tired and he sits back down!
He still loves his sleep sheep and rock n play. Seriously those things are amazing! Between those, puppy paci and a swaddleme he sleeps so well at night. He goes down at 8:45 and sleeps till some time around 4 or 5! Now that being said he is DEFINITELY my son; he FIGHTS sleep!!! He will pull at his hears, claw at his face, rub his eyes, grunt, buck like a bronco, anything to keep from getting relaxed. Once you get him still, arms and legs pinned down and a paci in his mouth he will ball his fist up as a last ditch effort to stay awake. He eventually gives it up, but then about 3-5 minutes after his eyes close he SCREAMS out for about 10 seconds and you better be rocking him!! LOL! After that last desperate attempt he gives up and sleeps. His little fist un-ball and the paci falls out. My little man doesn't want to miss anything!
Another interesting thing about E is that he is a much happier baby if we are "going". He gets very fussy if we just stay at home all day. He likes to get out of the house; even if it is just a walk around the block. We were hesitant to take him out very often, we didn't want him to get over-stimulated, but once we started taking him out for short trips he turned into a much happier baby. He still can get over-stimulated if we keep him around too many people too long; we are still looking for the perfect balance. 
Unfortunately E HATES formula!!! Ryan drops him off every morning before he goes to work and one morning he forgot to bring milk. He woke up starving so Nana decided she would feed him a bottle of formula then head over to my house to get the milk. He would only take about 2 oz before he started spitting it out and screaming bloody murder. LOL silly baby! Needless to say they got over here quickly and got that baby his milk! One night I only pumped 3 1/2 oz and rather than defrosting a whole 4 oz I decided to make a 1/2 oz of formula and mix it in with the breastmilk. He sucked down about an oz and then looked at me and spit all of it out. SO MUCH SPIT UP! Crazy kid... he knows what he want and he wants it when he wants it!
I cannot believe how much he has changed this month. He is starting to develop his own personality and I can't wait to see what kind of little boy he'll be!!