Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Room to be me...

I was rocking Eli to sleep this morning while watching an episode of MTV's The Hills. I remember watching this show in college and seeing so many similarities between Justin and Adriana's relationship and the "relationship" I was in. I remember all the tears I cried, the friendships I sacrificed, what I put my family and my body and emotions through to be with him. I gave up so much of myself. I remember thinking I could never be happy without him. I remember it all. But as I felt those old emotions wash through me I looked down at the sleeping baby in my arms and tears filled my eyes; I would have never imagined this life for myself.

All of that pain was only a few short years ago, and at the time I thought even if I got over it the scares would hurt forever. They don't. I regret the sacrifices I made in regards to who I was. I changed so much of myself. I don't blame him though. It was my choice. I lost my cousin that year and I lost a piece of myself. When I was broken I was looking to another broken person to heal me. Two broken people do not make each other whole.

In a few short years I have met an amazing man who loves me for me; who supports me when I need it, who gives me room to be me. I never knew how much I needed that-room to be me; to make my mistakes, to be the outgoing, energetic person that I am. He doesn't try to cage me in or hold me back. I do the same, in a way, for him. I allow him to stay in his comfort zone, to be quiet and kind. That is what true love is- allowing each other to be who God designed them to be. When I met Ryan I was healing, I was finally strong and independent and comfortable with who I was, who I am. And now we have this amazing little baby. This little life we are responsible for. I pray we give him the room to be who God has designed him to be. Whatever that is.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

new job!

Am I the only one who sits down to write a post and ends up erasing the first line 3-4 times before I figure out how I want to start? I am? Oh... well then. :)

For the past 3 years I have taught for Pasadena ISD at one of the toughest schools in the district. I would put those teachers against any teachers in the world! I have learned SO MUCH! I have seen blood, sweat and tears literally being poured out for our kiddios. I have laughed and cried with so many of the teachers there. We have a special bond that can only be created from teaching "tough kids". I have sat with a first year teacher when her students just didn't "get it" and she had tried everything she could think of. I have sat with a lady who has taught for 40+ years and soaked up her knowledge. I have been driven to the hospital when a little guy lost it and hit me in the stomach when I was very pregnant. What a journey!

I have such mixed feelings about moving on. I have accepted another teaching job in a district closer to home. It is a much smaller district-don't get me wrong it's still a 5A district, but it has like 6 elementary schools as opposed to 36. The other big change is I am moving from 1st grade to 4th!!! We are going to compartmentalized so I am teaching math and science. Also this school is open concept. That means that there are NO WALLS. We have bookcases separating each classroom area. I am a loud person---this is going to be a HUGE adjustment. I am thrilled about this new opportunity, but I never imagined how hard it would be to leave my current school.

I have a ton of what I think are great ideas for next year, but in education you can plan all you want, but that doesn't mean it will go that way---at all. So here we go, on to the next adventure!!

Friday, July 13, 2012

knowing your limits

This is a hard post for me to write. At Eli's 4 month dr appt his pediatrician recommended I started phasing dairy back into my diet. I had eliminated it because E has a sensitivity to the milk proteins found in dairy. About 2 weeks after I cut it out his colic got much better. Don't get me wrong he would still have "colic time" nightly but instead of it being 4-6 hours of intense screaming it would be more like 2-3 hours of fussing. By 3 1/2 months almost all colic was gone.

Well... about 4 days after reincorporating SMALL (and I mean SMALL) amounts of dairy into my diet the screaming fits started back. They occur mostly in the evening and because Ry has been working overtime it's just me here to try and comfort little man. We have done a little of the "cry it out" when it comes to learning to stop fighting sleep at nap time. But this is a different cry, it is a gut wrenching scream that breaks your heart. And the worse part is I know he is hurting because of something I have done. I know I had to try a little dairy to see if he was still sensitive to it, but I HATE that I caused him pain.

Wednesday he fussed pretty much all the entire evening from 4-8. He didn't want to play, nap, be held, be put down, ect. Everything made him mad. He would be content in like 10 minute burst but after that is was Mr. Fussypants.

Thursday I was pumping at 9am and Ryan had to leave for work, well about 10 minutes after Ryan left E let out this horrible scream! He screamed for 30 minutes straight. He would turn blue because he was screaming and not breathing. I used all my regular tricks- burp the baby, make sure diaper is dry, teething tablets, gas medicine, check shot sites to make sure nothing crazy going on there (it's been almost a week, but hey you never know), even getting him naked (which almost ALWAYS works) and nothing! He was still screaming. Well after 30 minutes I loaded him up and was taking him to Nana's- part of me wanted to take him to the ER but I figured I would see if Nana and Pappy could figure it out. Well OF COURSE as soon as we walk into the door he immediately turns on the charm and acts like momma is crazy! My mom had heard his screaming on the phone so she knew I wasn't completely crazy. They looked him over, and after about 15 minutes there he broke down again. All anyone could figure was must be the dairy. He got better as the day went on and ended up having a pretty good day.

I write all this to say that I NEEDED help. After a couple days of a LOT of fussing when he started screaming for 30 minutes I was at my wits-end. I realized I was having a hard time and I went somewhere safe for both E and I. I felt like a horrible mother. I mean for crying out loud these little 17 year olds are having babies and they handle it, why is it so hard for me? I felt guilty about having E so "young". Both my brother and sister waited until after they were 30 to have kids, maybe I should have too. All these thoughts were running through my head.

I got E to nap and then went to my house to shower and get dressed for an appt I had later that day. While I was at home, in the quiet, I could think a little better and I realized that every mom is different, just as every baby is different. I have a VERY "spirited" baby and so sometimes I need a little break to ensure that I am being the best mom I can be. This doesn't make me a "bad" mom, it makes me a mom who knows her limits. I might not be the "best" mom, but I am the best mom I can be.

I think we often compare ourselves to others-at least I do- and that is where we mess up. No one else has your life, your baby, your husband, your circumstances, so no one else can say what they would or wouldn't do in your shoes. It is hard for me not to compare myself, but I know I must break that habit if I ever want to be truly happy.