I have been in the midst of a deep internal struggle for the past several months. I was raised in church, I became a Christian at a very early age and, by my "nerdy rule follower" nature, did all the things a good Christian kid is suppose to do. I went to Sunday School and memorized the verse of the week. I went to children's church and sang all the songs and answered the questions, I went to children's choir on Sunday night and sat through the "big church" sermon with my parents, Tuesday nights my mom and I (with other ladies) cooked dinner for the men's Bible study group (which my dad helped lead most of the time), Wednesday night was AWANAs, and then back to church on Sunday. When I was a child being a Christian meant inviting my friends to church, not telling lies, and being a "good kid".
Then I got to a teenager, and no teenager wants to be a "nerdy rule follower", so my faith changed a little. I still went to Sunday School (but no no one asked you to memorize scripture) and we went to "big church", sat with the youth and mostly listened to the sermon (although there was a significant amount of note passing involved). Sunday night was youth choir (and with all this choir I STILL can't sing) and then church (with more note passing) followed by Sunday Night After Church activities on school holidays. Tuesday night Men's Bible Study dinner preparing, Wednesday night was youth service, Friday night "hang out" activities and then start it all over again. As a teenager being a Christian meant being better than everyone else who wasn't a Christian; not being a "bad kid".
Of course I went to a private Christian college and although I studied religion (I was a religion minor) I never really followed any of my beliefs. I did pretty much what every college kid does, but I went to church on Sunday (and chapel on Monday and Wednesday- thanks ETBU). In college being a Christian meant being able to put on the Christian "show" whenever I felt it was appropriate.
How heart-breakingly sad. How terrible of me to split myself into 2 different people.
Now I am, for all intents and purposes, as scary as it is to admit-a full fledged grown up. Complete with a husband, child, job, mortgage, car note and student debt up to my eye balls. And what does my faith mean now? I know it is now something I can no longer compartmentalize and be a Christian at church and just the same as everyone else everywhere else. This has been my stuggle these past several months. If I TRULY believe in my heart of hearts that Christ was who the Bible says he was, and if I TRULY believe everything the Bible says shouldn't there be a radical difference in the way I handle myself EVERYDAY. When the pharmacist is ugly while trying to get medicine for my screaming baby, when the child in my classroom is having a meltdown 19 days before the state mandated test, when my husband and I are at each other's throats? Shouldn't there be a difference?
I mean if I believe what I say I believe where is the proof?
I think this post has been long enough, and I have to get off here and get ready for work. I will post again tonight the conclusion I have come to. :)